11-21-2008 I am so incredibly proud of myself, this has been so hard and I am doing good, not losing as much as I had hoped but I am doing really well. I have not cheated once, nor have I even thought of really quitting. I know that I can not take nothing for this journey. I have to figure out a way to lose this weight and get healthy. I do not want the surgery that my doctor is saying that is the way. I want to show them that I can do this or at least I tried everything possible.
I have lost 7 pounds now and I am hoping to lose at least 3 more before I switch to the next diet. I have almost decided that the next diet is "vegetarian", this way I can survive Christmas without totally blowing it.
I can do this.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Discouraged
11-18-2008 I am very discouraged, I have followed every rule of diet and actually gained 2 of the 6 pounds back so I have been on this insane diet for 3 weeks and lost 4 pounds. I won't stop because I owe it to myself since I lost so much on it before to try again. I am doing nothing different than I did before so I don't know why it's not working. I will work harder at no processed foods and see if that helps.
I do feel that this is quite an unfair kick in the gut, people should not have to worry if eating a pickle is going to cause them to not lose weright. It truely is torking me off. I just want to be normal.
I do feel that this is quite an unfair kick in the gut, people should not have to worry if eating a pickle is going to cause them to not lose weright. It truely is torking me off. I just want to be normal.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Queen Size
Whoever came up with the name Queen Size for clothes, how ironic is that. Have you ever seen a fat queen? No that have someone fix all of their meals and even personal trainers so queen size - hum dum... I think that a better name for the clothes is "all I can find that fits". I hate most of the clothes out there for anyone over a size 20 maybe a 22 occasionally. It cracks me up when they design all of these clothes for full figured women, do they think we are all grandma's? The color combination is hideous, I think they but all of good designers on 0-9, then the so so on 10-20 and the ones that just couldn't cut it they get the assignment of queen size.
Can you tell I am trying to find clothes for my uncoming trip home. Something new to hold on to for hope, the ability to dress like "me".
Can you tell I am trying to find clothes for my uncoming trip home. Something new to hold on to for hope, the ability to dress like "me".
Friday, November 14, 2008
ATKINS
11-4-2008 – Well here’s the first baby step to this new life I am working on for myself, I am mad really mad, I don’t believe I eat enough to have to go to these extremes but well that’s life. So, today starts my journey of Meat, Eggs, Fish and Cheese with a few veggies after the first 14 days. I did do this diet several years ago and it worked for me because eventually you get sick of the food selects and just eat a lot less. I just have to keep reminding myself that there is a bigger cause and it’s called living.
11-5-2008 – whew I made it through the first day, I was meaner than a junk yard dog but I made it. I am so thankful for my support team (my sisters and husband), they just let me rant and rave. So, today is a tuna and egg day.
11-6-2008 – well the diarrhea has already set it, I knew there was a reason that I really didn’t like this diet other than the yucky food. However, the good news is I have lost my first pound.
11-10-2008 – I have officially lost 5 pounds!!! I have also discovered a very symbolic AH-HA…
I have been under extreme stress between work, my mom getting diagnosed with breast cancer, relationships ending, and there is something wrong with my eyes. Well, I am being really bombarded with emotions and I was thinking what’s wrong with me why are all of these emotions flying out of me , I am usually so so in control of my emotions on the out side, then it hit me. I am normally stuffing them down, literally stuffing them down. When I get mad I eat, when I feel my life is out of control I eat because that is one thing in my life that I have full control of. It is the one thing that no one else can make me do, take away from me, etc.. So, the literal stuffing food in has been stuffing my emotions down. Yikes this could be a rocky road I am walking.
11-11-2008 – I hate meat, I never want to eat meat for breakfast again, I know that I can not live on Atkins forever; however, I do know that I want to be able to get into David’s car and not have to raise the steering wheel and the seatbelt fit without choking the life out of me. So, 30 days of eating leftover chicken wings for breakfast might be worth it J
11-12-2008 – Rule number one – never weigh when you had pork for dinner. I gained 2 pounds from yesterday. This really pisses me off, I hate weighing everyday but I think for the first month it’s important to understand what affects the scales.
9:07pm How many days does it take on a diet of Meat, cheese and eggs to create a crazy woman, I can tell you exactly 8. I am so crazy, I am craving sugar in any form. Tonight David was eating peaches and I could smell them from the kitchen.
11-13-2008 – Well another reason to keep going, I went to the doctor today and my eyes (actual eyeballs) are swollen and possibly leaking fluids (this is a side effect of being a diabetic) and now I have to go see if I have to have surgery. So today sugar doesn’t sound so good. I have found something that helps. Bread and Butter pickles made with Splenda – Wonderful…
11-14-2008 – I have taken another step in my recovery – I have made an appointment with a shrink to talk about all of these emotions and why I feel that I have to stuff them down. Have I told you lately that I hate pork and chicken? I am thinking that I should try to be a vegetarian when this is all over. I don’t think I would miss meat at all. You know one thing that I also have been thinking about, I hate all of my clothes in my closet, they are fat clothes. I often have to buy what I can find that fits and I try really hard to find my style but it’s not me. So another something to really look forward to. I am getting nervous, we are going home to Mom and Dad’s for Christmas and I have gained weight since last year. It’s always so hard when people only see you once a year, to have them see you with added weight is always nerve wrecking. However, my mom is very weight crazy and always notices every ounce. I know it’s her own insecurities but it always is stressful. She’s the queen of backhanded compliments – like you dress so well for someone your size, you are so successful for a big woman etc.. I know she doesn’t mean any harm but it does hurt.
11-4-2008 – Well here’s the first baby step to this new life I am working on for myself, I am mad really mad, I don’t believe I eat enough to have to go to these extremes but well that’s life. So, today starts my journey of Meat, Eggs, Fish and Cheese with a few veggies after the first 14 days. I did do this diet several years ago and it worked for me because eventually you get sick of the food selects and just eat a lot less. I just have to keep reminding myself that there is a bigger cause and it’s called living.
11-5-2008 – whew I made it through the first day, I was meaner than a junk yard dog but I made it. I am so thankful for my support team (my sisters and husband), they just let me rant and rave. So, today is a tuna and egg day.
11-6-2008 – well the diarrhea has already set it, I knew there was a reason that I really didn’t like this diet other than the yucky food. However, the good news is I have lost my first pound.
11-10-2008 – I have officially lost 5 pounds!!! I have also discovered a very symbolic AH-HA…
I have been under extreme stress between work, my mom getting diagnosed with breast cancer, relationships ending, and there is something wrong with my eyes. Well, I am being really bombarded with emotions and I was thinking what’s wrong with me why are all of these emotions flying out of me , I am usually so so in control of my emotions on the out side, then it hit me. I am normally stuffing them down, literally stuffing them down. When I get mad I eat, when I feel my life is out of control I eat because that is one thing in my life that I have full control of. It is the one thing that no one else can make me do, take away from me, etc.. So, the literal stuffing food in has been stuffing my emotions down. Yikes this could be a rocky road I am walking.
11-11-2008 – I hate meat, I never want to eat meat for breakfast again, I know that I can not live on Atkins forever; however, I do know that I want to be able to get into David’s car and not have to raise the steering wheel and the seatbelt fit without choking the life out of me. So, 30 days of eating leftover chicken wings for breakfast might be worth it J
11-12-2008 – Rule number one – never weigh when you had pork for dinner. I gained 2 pounds from yesterday. This really pisses me off, I hate weighing everyday but I think for the first month it’s important to understand what affects the scales.
9:07pm How many days does it take on a diet of Meat, cheese and eggs to create a crazy woman, I can tell you exactly 8. I am so crazy, I am craving sugar in any form. Tonight David was eating peaches and I could smell them from the kitchen.
11-13-2008 – Well another reason to keep going, I went to the doctor today and my eyes (actual eyeballs) are swollen and possibly leaking fluids (this is a side effect of being a diabetic) and now I have to go see if I have to have surgery. So today sugar doesn’t sound so good. I have found something that helps. Bread and Butter pickles made with Splenda – Wonderful…
11-14-2008 – I have taken another step in my recovery – I have made an appointment with a shrink to talk about all of these emotions and why I feel that I have to stuff them down. Have I told you lately that I hate pork and chicken? I am thinking that I should try to be a vegetarian when this is all over. I don’t think I would miss meat at all. You know one thing that I also have been thinking about, I hate all of my clothes in my closet, they are fat clothes. I often have to buy what I can find that fits and I try really hard to find my style but it’s not me. So another something to really look forward to. I am getting nervous, we are going home to Mom and Dad’s for Christmas and I have gained weight since last year. It’s always so hard when people only see you once a year, to have them see you with added weight is always nerve wrecking. However, my mom is very weight crazy and always notices every ounce. I know it’s her own insecurities but it always is stressful. She’s the queen of backhanded compliments – like you dress so well for someone your size, you are so successful for a big woman etc.. I know she doesn’t mean any harm but it does hurt.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
WAKE UP
Wake Up Call
11-04-2008 – Wake up call – 304lbs with sugars at 468 (normal is 80-105). How did I do this to myself again, I had lost to 265 from 350 several years ago and here I am back up to 304. This is really making me angry. I have allowed food to steal my joy in life, I have such an amazing life and I am allowing stuffing a burger or pizza put limitations on me. I was blessed with a real type A personality and I have never let anything stop me to getting where I wanted to be, So I thought, however, you know what I have learned in the past 24 hours that has really ticked me off. Food controls me (for those of you that know me – I don’t like to be controlled). It controls the fact that I have to ask for a seat belt extension on a plane that I can never sit in the bulkhead aisle because I will not fit. It controls that I can’t eat on a plane because the lap tray won’t drop pass my stomach. It controls that I don’t have a lap to sit a child on or to sit a tray on, it controls that I have to wear granny panties and can’t wear cool shoes or nylons, it controls every piece of clothes that goes on my body, they don’t make many cool close for a size 26. It controls that I have never been to Disney because I am afraid that I won’t fit on a ride. It also controls that I can’t sit on my husbands lap, the man that I love more than the air that I breathe loses out because I allow myself to overeat – yes, I will not say the normal – oh I don’t eat that much. Well Wake up Anita, if you weigh in at 304, you aren’t eating a lot of salads and healthy foods. AH, that brings me to the Health word, food is my worst enemy as a diabetic and I have to come to peace with it to live past 50. My doctor is really pushing the bypass surgery. WAKE UP Anita, it’s time to make changes in my life. I have said this many times and have never really had the will power to complete it, I just keep on doing the same things. Well, you know according to Albert Einstein, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results” It’s time to do something different. It’s time to find a way a new lifestyle and not a diet. I have to find what works for me, keeping in mind that it has to be something that I can do for a lifestyle change not just until I drop a few pounds (like 150). So, I am going to spend the next year trying a new diet every month and rating if I could do this for the majority of my life. I will journal my journey with the end destination not being a number on scale but where I am comfortable with my body and I am healthy, but I can guarantee you that I will be able to cross my legs, wear sexy undies and sit on my husbands lap without causing serious pain. One more thing, the way that folks look at you when you are overweight, they think that you eat non-stop, they think we have no will power. We have to fight twice as hard for promotions (normally). It’s the only handicap that is still legal to be prejudice. I won’t take nothing for my journey now.
11-04-2008 – Wake up call – 304lbs with sugars at 468 (normal is 80-105). How did I do this to myself again, I had lost to 265 from 350 several years ago and here I am back up to 304. This is really making me angry. I have allowed food to steal my joy in life, I have such an amazing life and I am allowing stuffing a burger or pizza put limitations on me. I was blessed with a real type A personality and I have never let anything stop me to getting where I wanted to be, So I thought, however, you know what I have learned in the past 24 hours that has really ticked me off. Food controls me (for those of you that know me – I don’t like to be controlled). It controls the fact that I have to ask for a seat belt extension on a plane that I can never sit in the bulkhead aisle because I will not fit. It controls that I can’t eat on a plane because the lap tray won’t drop pass my stomach. It controls that I don’t have a lap to sit a child on or to sit a tray on, it controls that I have to wear granny panties and can’t wear cool shoes or nylons, it controls every piece of clothes that goes on my body, they don’t make many cool close for a size 26. It controls that I have never been to Disney because I am afraid that I won’t fit on a ride. It also controls that I can’t sit on my husbands lap, the man that I love more than the air that I breathe loses out because I allow myself to overeat – yes, I will not say the normal – oh I don’t eat that much. Well Wake up Anita, if you weigh in at 304, you aren’t eating a lot of salads and healthy foods. AH, that brings me to the Health word, food is my worst enemy as a diabetic and I have to come to peace with it to live past 50. My doctor is really pushing the bypass surgery. WAKE UP Anita, it’s time to make changes in my life. I have said this many times and have never really had the will power to complete it, I just keep on doing the same things. Well, you know according to Albert Einstein, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results” It’s time to do something different. It’s time to find a way a new lifestyle and not a diet. I have to find what works for me, keeping in mind that it has to be something that I can do for a lifestyle change not just until I drop a few pounds (like 150). So, I am going to spend the next year trying a new diet every month and rating if I could do this for the majority of my life. I will journal my journey with the end destination not being a number on scale but where I am comfortable with my body and I am healthy, but I can guarantee you that I will be able to cross my legs, wear sexy undies and sit on my husbands lap without causing serious pain. One more thing, the way that folks look at you when you are overweight, they think that you eat non-stop, they think we have no will power. We have to fight twice as hard for promotions (normally). It’s the only handicap that is still legal to be prejudice. I won’t take nothing for my journey now.
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